nothing makes pregnancy more real than an ultrasound.
i have felt so guilty and sad that i haven't been really excited about the new baby. i mean, sure, deep down, of course. but on the surface, all i can do is focus on getting thru the day to day of feeling sick. so far not a lot of pleasure has come from the pregnancy. i feel sick 24/7.
emotionally i haven't felt really connected to the fact that there's a new being forming. that there is a life beginning. until today.
today we had an ultrasound whose main purpose was to confirm the due date. once that was determined more accurately my midwife can order yet another ultrasound for a couple weeks from now. since my last pregnancy i've turned 35. so, now i have to jump thru all these hoops.
i thought a lot about it. for a long time i thought i wouldn't do anything differently than last time. why should i? what will it change? but then i started to think about bb. i have more at stake, more to consider. his life. how would it be affected if we had an unhealthy second child? how could i prepare for that? so, we've agreed to do the extra ultrasounds and meet with the genetic specialist, but that's it. the amnio freaks me out. the size of the needle alone is reason enough to run.
but today. today we saw our little "kidney bean" and s/he was right there. all tucked in and safe and snug inside me. heart beating. arms, legs, spine all sprouting. everything looked as good as it could. and hubby and i cried looking at the little tiny dude-to-be.
it's funny how different it is from the last time. and also the same.