01 February 2007

it's real

nothing makes pregnancy more real than an ultrasound.

i have felt so guilty and sad that i haven't been really excited about the new baby. i mean, sure, deep down, of course. but on the surface, all i can do is focus on getting thru the day to day of feeling sick. so far not a lot of pleasure has come from the pregnancy. i feel sick 24/7.

emotionally i haven't felt really connected to the fact that there's a new being forming. that there is a life beginning. until today.

today we had an ultrasound whose main purpose was to confirm the due date. once that was determined more accurately my midwife can order yet another ultrasound for a couple weeks from now. since my last pregnancy i've turned 35. so, now i have to jump thru all these hoops.

i thought a lot about it. for a long time i thought i wouldn't do anything differently than last time. why should i? what will it change? but then i started to think about bb. i have more at stake, more to consider. his life. how would it be affected if we had an unhealthy second child? how could i prepare for that? so, we've agreed to do the extra ultrasounds and meet with the genetic specialist, but that's it. the amnio freaks me out. the size of the needle alone is reason enough to run.

but today. today we saw our little "kidney bean" and s/he was right there. all tucked in and safe and snug inside me. heart beating. arms, legs, spine all sprouting. everything looked as good as it could. and hubby and i cried looking at the little tiny dude-to-be.

it's funny how different it is from the last time. and also the same.


Leslie said...

congrats on your pregnancy! that amnio does sound scary, and i wish you all the best. you know what's best for you and what you can handle, and that's all that matters.
So when is your due date? Are you going to find out what the baby is? we left #3 for a surprise, but I don't think I could have done it with #2. :)

kate said...

leslie, i'm due sept. 13th and yes, we'll definitely find out. i can't imagine NOT finding out. i loved knowing i had a little boy coming before.

Mike said...

So, are you hoping for a boy or a girl?

BTW, don't feel bad about not getting as "excited" as the first one. I think most parents go through that, including me when my wife was pregnant with our second son.

I guess the first is "exciting" because your feeling of anticipation is mixed with your feeling of not knowing what to expect. But now you know what to expect. So in the second pregnancy, you're a little calmed down.

Of course, this might just be me.


Allie said...

Yay! Congrats on the heartbeat! How exciting in a comforting way. And Kate, you are not alone. I am 35 weeks pregnant now and still apprehensive about being excited. To a certain extent I feel like I may have cheated this baby out of that excitement but as my time gets closer, I realize that the true excitement will come upon seeing her for the very first time. Like Mike said, the first pregnancy, everything is a new experience whereas now, you have an idea of what is going to happen next.

I am 34 so I only had to do the nuchal rather than amnio. A very good friend of mine had amnios done for both of her pregnancies due to her be 36 and then 38 respectively. She says that it wasn't bad. Mildly uncomfortable but only in the sense that you become focused on the needle. She said the worst part of the whole thing was waiting the 3 -4 weeks for the results to come back.

beth said...

I've been amazed at how different I have felt during this pregnancy. Not the physical necessarily, just the amount of focus that has been placed on it I guess. When I was pregnant with Sam I was obsessed, constantly thinking about what I was eating and feeling and reading about what was happening. It's just not practical now. I can't fixate on it because I am busy chasing a toddler and just trying to get through each day. Sometimes I feel bad about it like I am already doing a disservice to our second baby. Then I realize that all that thought didn't really make any sort of difference the first time around anyway, except for maybe making me a bit crazy. Anyway, this isn't even what your post was really about but it came to mind as I read it. I think you're right about the additional testing. We have more lives to consider now. For the sake of just having the knowledge we'll also probably do more than we did the first time around.

I really hope your morning sickness eases up soon. I've been thinking about you and hoping. Is the coke thing working? I've found that I love soda this time around and I'm wondering if that's partially why. I also realized how ridiculous my "eat protein" suggestion sounded to you as soon as I posted it since you probably find it virtually impossible to eat anything at all. Sorry.

sari said...

I was 36 when Five was born. I did not do anything different than I did when Eight was born.

My doctor kept asking me about things and I finally just said "It wouldn't make any difference". He then told me he and his wife had a baby at the same age and they didn't do the amnio either. I just think you shouldn't mess with such a perfect process. Just my opinion, I think everyone should do what their hearts tell them is best for them.

Best wishes and I hope you're feeling well. Bonding is hard and each child is different. I always felt like I was being disloyal to Eight by loving Five (STUPID I know) but I was pregnant, my hormones were all jacked up.

sari said...

PS Your comment about Harry Potter today on my blog was HYSTERICAL, I was cracking up!

Tracey said...

You have to do what you feel is best. My question, though, (not that you need to answer it, it's merely for your thought) is what would you do with the information that your baby DID have a potential birth defect/abnormality? If the answer is "nothing," then my advice to my friends has always been to then forgo any invasive testing. Please don't feel I'm judging any choice you make, just offering some unasked for advice. :)