29 June 2006

Happiness Held Hostage

So, the last few weeks we've been looking for a new apartment (when I say we, I mean me). I've dragged Stan along for the ride, bedraggled and war weary from my obession. After a particularly grueling day today, I realized a few salient points.

I was not winning this little war with the universe. I was not going to win, because neither winning nor losing has anything to do with the issue at hand. Control is the issue and holding my happiness hostage to the future is the lesson.

Some background... I have been a seeker for as long as I can remember. I have studied, sampled, been blessed, been stripped... and all along the way, I've struggled with this concept of "being in the now." Sounds so simple. Let go. Be here. Be still.

Thank you Eckhart, Gangaji, Ramana, Adyashanti, Byron Katie... my intellect salutes you, my heart doesn't believe a word you're saying.

Well, I guess the universe decided that it was time to step up the heat... to really get to the heart of my identification with story. The story that says that anywhere but HERE is the place to be. That when THIS THING happens, I'll finally find happiness.

When I find the perfect apartment. When I win the Lotto. When I can travel to the Grand Canyon in my retro, $100,000.00 Airstream. When I can build homeless shelters for those who have lost all hope. When I can just help out my own sister.

My thought process was that if I suffer enough, if I plan and hope and dream and tie as many loose ends as possible, I will WIN. YES. WIN. FINALLY!!

But that kind of winning is the ultimate in losing. If my happiness is dependent on anything out THERE, I am a hostage. I am a slave.

Losing what my ego tells me I must have brings me back to myself. Back to my cluttered, anxious little mind, to the Now I don't want to be in. Or do I? Tonight I realized the freedom that comes from "losing."

I will say this... the Now DOES feel vulnerable and strange. I'm so used to fantasizing, to envisioning the future, to rehashing the past. But tonight, after being snippy towards Stan, angry, anxious almost all day... I finally burned enough mental juice to just be here. And without the story about not hearing from so and so, wondering if our most recent application was a mistake, etc., etc., I was actually grooving in the moment. When my mind realized my stomach wasn't clenched anymore, a story would pop up and try to get my total attention and identification. Eckhart calls this the Pain Body. Instead of following the storyline, I imagined big, black blinders on either side of my head (like horses can wear) forcing me to stay present, to not leave this moment. To not travel an imaginary road to some imaginary future.

I don't know if I can say I've come out the other side yet. I won't be that bold. But I have a feel for it.

It's a beginning.

25 June 2006

he arrived safely.

little jack was born after a mere 6 hours of labor. i was in labor for 30 or so with bb, so this idea sounds like heaven to me. she also had a long, hard first labor, so i think she deserved a quickie.

i got to meet him 2 days after he was born. man, i forgot how SMALL newborns are!!!! he's a somewhat "big" one as they go, but really he's just so small and looking like a little old man...little alien old man potato is what he is. and cute, cute, cute.

i think i actually heard my uterus creak. . .

20 June 2006

remembering the birth

speaking of second children, my friend is quite possibly in labor right now with her second. she's at the hospital. her baby could have been born by now or she could still be contracting.

her son spends 3 hrs. a day with us here (he's 3mos. older than bb) and i had him today and wondered what he might be feeling. i know he knows something's up. how much does he understand?

it's hard to imagine the thought of giving birth again and at the same time it's all i can think about. she's there, doing it. what must it be like to know what labor is like and yet to be entering into it again when it could be totally different. i mean, yes, there will be contracting, pushing and a baby, but the whole thing could play out very differently the 2nd time. you sort of know what to expect, but that doesn't make it any easier AND it will not be the same.

it feels like something in the air is different, too. i remember feeling it in the days leading up to bb's birth. we had a major thunderstorm today at about 6pm and yesterday as well. bb and i sat on the bed and just listened together. quiet. waiting for the storm to pass. it reminded me of his birth. the contractions would come and i would breathe deeply and slowly as i could and wait for them to pass. i hope my friend's not getting rained on too heavily. i hope her boy comes safely and quickly.

10 June 2006

a second child?

so, the hubby and i are talking a lot about having another baby. bb will be 2 this summer we both agree that we want at least 3 years between sibs, which would we could start "family planning" relatively soon for the second one.

in my heart i am totally game. i would love to have another. in my head, i'm worried. will we have enough money to support another one? what will it do to bb's life--will it be good for him or make him feel inadequate in some way? would we be taking too big a chance having another--the first one was/is perfect! he's healthy, happy, smart, beautiful. what if the next one wasn't healthy. could i handle that? and what about the fact that it took us nearly 2 and a half years to conceive the first time. can we handle the heartache of getting our hopes up month after month AGAIN?

say we have another. what's life going to be like? there's no way to know, but i wonder--can we handle it? having one has been hard on our marriage, you know? so, if any of you out there who have more than one have any advice, thoughts or stories about your experience going from 1 to 2 i would love to hear. is it twice as hard? what's it like to love TWO people THAT much? is it really possible?