14 July 2006

mush brain

i'm having a day where i feel like a bad mom. i feel like all i have done for the past 2 days is say no. i am struggling with patience and not getting enough sleep. at night i wonder if i've done any lasting damage. did i create a memory today that bb will internalize?

it's not like i've yelled at him or grabbed him or done anything that harsh. i just am a mommy who needs a break and i'm not doing as good a job at being there for him.

there are so many things that are different than i thought they'd be. when you are childless you make all kinds of statements "i'll NEVER use a binky," "we DEFINITELY don't want to find out the sex of the baby," "what could be so hard about being with one little baby all day? cake!"

all i can say is, "you don't know until you get there---so theorize all you want." some of your theories and things will hold true. others not so much. that's what i've found, anyway.

i knew that there would be a lot of patience involved in being a full-time mommy. and i knew i'd struggle with it. and not just the typical things like helping him do something he can't do or dealing with crankiness. . .all of that i expected. what i didn't realize was that i'd have to learn the patience to do a LOT of things that are boring to me, but fun for a toddler. how many times can i do "big truck puzzle?" "you want to go touch the neighbor's Jeep AGAIN?"

lately i find that i relate to Mr. Mom a whole lot. remember that movie? the part where he talks about his brain turning to mush. i feel that way sometimes. and when i get into a room with other adults i feel like a babbling idiot because i haven't talked to anyone over the age of 3 in days. social graces have gone out the window.

do you ever feel stretched too thin? or that your mind is turning to mush? what do you do to help that feeling?

thankfully, i'm actually going away for most of the weekend. hitting the beach with my mom and leaving the boys behind. i know i'll miss them as soon as i pull out of the driveway, but man, i need a baby break. beach, meet butt. butt, meet beach. i think you'll be very happy together.


bubandpie said...

A lot to respond to in this post, but I'll focus on the fear of creating lasting traumatic memories. One of my mother's worst memories is of spanking me when I was 3 - I cried until I threw up and she was sure that she had traumatized me for life. I have lots of memories from that period, but I don't remember being spanked at all (except for a vague recollection that it hurt a LOT more when daddy did the spanking). And my mom and I have always had a great relationship. I think we get a lot of freebies as parents - mistakes we make without doing any lasting damage.

katie said...

I bet this weekend will give you a big boost. I have totally been there (numerous times). Don't tell yourself that you aren't doing as good of a job as you should, you are doing the best you are capable of right now and that's enough.
Enjoy the beach with your mom :)

beth said...

I'm so glad you're getting a beach break. I think the whole reason I have been so desperate to find other moms here is to combat exactly what you are describing. But, like you, when I do finally meet people I can't converse like a normal person because it has been so long or I'm exhausted or distracted or who knows what. I think the only way to deal with it is to do what you are doing - to get away for some adult time and practice talking like an adult again.

And don't beat yourself up about your parenting. You are not scarring your child by having low energy for a few days - it's something he needs to learn anyway so that when he is feeling tired or quiet he knows that it is normal to be like that sometimes. You can't be "on" all the time. Longest comment ever...sorry.